My experience with depression

Clinical depression is not well-defined in comparison to most illnesses. Many people think that they are suffering from it and the majority seem to think it is just a matter of mind over matter. While clinical depression is hard to define, I would like to describe it by listing my symptoms. I have experienced mild to severe depression since I was twelve, about thirty years now. The description below is of the more severe kind.

• severe fatigue–  Spending most of the day either lying down or sitting. Exhausted from sitting in chair without support for back and then having to recuperate by lying in bed.
• anxiety– Feel like I can never relax and experience constant muscle tension.
• poor appetite– Rarely hungry. Usually eat because it’s time to eat and could probably exist on a much lower calorie intake than most.
• low motivation– One feels like he/she is just existing and can’t relate to why most people are motivated to do the simplest of things.
• loss of pleasure– Don’t enjoy things as much.
• physical problems– Many health problems like stiffness, pain, headaches and digestive issues.  Problems regulating temperature. Feel too warm in some areas like head, neck and spine  but cold(chills?) in arms and legs.
• sleep issues– Despite sleeping eight hours, feel exhausted and have a feeling of general malaise. Insomnia mostly in the early part of the morning.
• hallucinations– Auditory hallucinations where voices distinct from my internal voice, incessantly talk about what I am doing wrong. Often these voices seemed to mimic negative thoughts I had previously had .
• irritability– Annoyed by just about everything.
• cognitive difficulty– Problems with finding words and focusing. The English language becomes almost like a foreign language where one has to more consciously think about one wants to say.
• emotional problems– Predominate emotion is apathy and somewhat ironically, difficulty controlling emotions like irritability.
• suicidal ideation– Preoccupied with plans for ending one’s pain, not to merely just get attention.

I like the fact that more people are aware of clinical depression however I think it is getting less respect than it used to. Most people look at it,somewhat like the common cold when in fact moderate to severe depression is more like the flu or food poisoning. One feels like he/she is dying but is afraid that he/she won’t.

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